My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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