I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
