Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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