Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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