worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
