Barsexuality is the new black.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
