two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You are the jesus of drinking
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
