im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
