Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
