this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
