I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
