so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
