what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
