I feel like abortions should bother me more
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
