I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
high people should be assigned attendants
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
