nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
