You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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