OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
