If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
