i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
