my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
