I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
