Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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