So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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