i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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