The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
