For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
last night I used snow as a chaser
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
