highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
