Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need to sanitize my soul.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
