i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
