Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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