and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
