I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
