Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Pappa wants mamma naked
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
