Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
