What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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