That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
