I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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