I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
