omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
