Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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