Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
