it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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