A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
