Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
