ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
