having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
