i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
