Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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