i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
