Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
