I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
