At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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