I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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