we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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